Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
All farts...are laughing gas.
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
I love you berry much.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?
He was getting a head of himself
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
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