There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'

I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!

I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.

What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.

What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.

What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.

The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.

Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!

I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.

Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!

I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.

When are you due back in heaven?

My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.

What runs but can't walk? The faucet!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!

Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?

You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!

This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.

I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.

What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.

What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.

What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.

What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”

Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.

The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.

What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster

Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.

I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.

What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.

A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."

10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.

You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.

What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.

Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.

I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!

"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain

What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!

I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.

How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.

How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.