“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers

What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer

The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.

How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!

Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they

What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.

What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron

My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.

There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.

Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.

Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.

What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.

Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.

I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.

What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!

Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.

Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.

I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"

Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.

Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?

Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.

Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.

If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson

I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.

Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.

How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.

Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.

Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!

For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.

Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!

I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”

"Check, mate."

"Checkmate."

"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"

Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.

You mermake me happy.

What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.

What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.

Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings

When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”

Will you be the perimeter to my world?

What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!

What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!

"Have an egg-cellent Easter."

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

I’m never board when I’m at the pool.

If you travel to the future and get decapitated

You'd be ahead of your time

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!