What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
I was calling the hospital, but it seems they were busy. The picked up the phone and said,
"Urology department, can you hold?"
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
You are my butter-half!
Every piece of you is sweet.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
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