My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
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