A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore!
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
"You bake me crazy."
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
My weekend is fully booked.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
Go to BabaMail
