I don’t need to be a doctor to diagnose you with acute smile.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
French, French Revolution
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
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