What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
Hello Boo-tiful.
"Happy eggster."
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Octopus ocular optics.
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
Baby, you rock my world!
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
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