“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
Snow on and snow forth.
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
Are you squiding me right now?
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
I can sea clearly now.
I would part the Red Sea for you.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
You dropped something. My jaw.
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
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