My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
You’re sweeter than fructose.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Come witch me to the party.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
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