You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
My moment in the sun.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
Wanna see my world cup in action?
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
Go big or go gnome.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
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