Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
Nice life preservers.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
That’s a bit mulch.
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
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