Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Will you be my G-Protein? Because I want to be coupled with you!
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
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