Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Dublin’ the fun.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
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