Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
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