Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
Dublin over in laughter.
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
I’m fondue you.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
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