I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Take off all your cloves.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Don’t be elfish.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
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