What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
One trick peony.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Deaf mute gets new hearing
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
Go to BabaMail
