When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.
He went from the ladle to the grave.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
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