Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
It takes one to snow one.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
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