What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
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