Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
When God made you, he was just showing off.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
You must be a fossil because I would love to date you.
"Aloe you vera much."
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
You and I could totally melt my igloo.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
We are mint to be.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
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