"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
You’ve been working too yard.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
Nice beach balls, can I play?
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