What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
I “lub” you.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star War sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his lightsaber?
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
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