I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Is your name flecainide? Because you just made my heart skip a beat.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
You make miso happy.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
I Wanna Be Your Man
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
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