Rebel without a Claus.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Witch you were here.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull!
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
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