You are my raisin to smile.
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
I like you a lily bit more every day.
You have one compact set.
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
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