Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Was scared to approach you honestly, but I decided to take a Nata-leap of faith.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
Go to BabaMail
