What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
Are you a cat? Because you're purrrrrfect.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
I love you meow and forever.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
"This isn't easy and neither are you. I'm breaking up with you."
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What a spud muffin.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
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