When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
Give me just a FRACTION of your heart and I will SOLVE all of your problems.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
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