What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
Girl, your chromosomes have combined beautifully.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
Baby, you rock my world!
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
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