You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
You're hotter than a data center!
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
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