My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
I want a taste of your Milky Way.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
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