Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
I know you are a goalie but I hope you don’t stop me from scoring tonight.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
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