What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
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