“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
Are you on the endangered species list cause baby you are one of a kind!
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
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