What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
We’re calling your number.
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
The sun is just a big space heater.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tex.
Tex who?
Tex two to tango.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
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