Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
Nathan compares to you
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
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