What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
One should always practice what they peach.
Are you the end of the pool? Because baby, I’d do anything to reach you.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
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