There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
Prepare to be bowled over.
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
Shes a fairy realistic person.
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
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