I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
Deja brew all over again.
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
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