Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
So … do you run here often?
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
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