The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
You mermake me happy.
I have bean thinking about you.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
I call the shots.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
I can't let it be until I get your number.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
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