The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
"Having a good hare day."
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
You have me greening from ear to ear.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
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