I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
That was thaw-some!
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
You have goat to be kidding me.
"Be kind, re-wine."
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
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