Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
You set my heart bonfire.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.
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