Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
Girls just wanna have sun.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
You're so amazing that I always use the partitive genitive when I talk about you.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
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