The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
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