Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
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