People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
"You're a real good egg."
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
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