What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
"Back that glass up."
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
You are aged to perfection.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I'm snow bored.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
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