What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
I whale always love you.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
My text tone is adorable! Message me, so you can hear it.
I want you. I knead you.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
How about I land my space shuttle in your International Space Station?
He’s an elf-made man.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
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