What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
This summer is going swimmingly.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
I'm sorry I had an accident...
I slipped and fell right into your heart.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
I’d be Madeline if I didn’t say I was dying to get to know you
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Haida there, gorgeous.
It's cold and rainy on Halloween
Where monsters and goblins are always seen
They're at my door asking for sweets
But they don't want tricks only treats
I could close my door but that would be mean.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
Variety is the ice of life.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
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