Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.

What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.

Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.

Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you.

Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.

The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.

What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!

In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.

What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.

What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.

I love you and I ain’t lion.

"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"

- Chelsea Handler

"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown

"Halfway Down"

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!

– A. A. Milne

"Standing on a Chair"

I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!

You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.

I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.

I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!

– Steve Hanson

How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”

There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.

Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.

Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.

Don’t come to France without any Monet.

Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.

When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.

Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!

Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!

Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop

"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."

If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.

Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?

What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!

"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift

What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”

I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.

I'm fondue you, it's true

What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”

Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet

What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.

Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.

"I Have a Little Frog"

I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!

My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.

Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.

I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!

I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.