What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!

“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”

- Corey Ford.

What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"

Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.

Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?

Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation

How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.

How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.

What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!

Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.

If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.

I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.

It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."

Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!

“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson

How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”

What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.

What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.

I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.

What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.

I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.

What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.

My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)

What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.

A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.

Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.

At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners

My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.

What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.

When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.

A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".

You are so cute, you’ve Lily got me hooked

An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Nice Ass-teroid.

Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.

"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben

My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.

My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.

Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.

What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.

I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.

What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.