Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
"There's no bunny like you."
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
"Lazy bones."
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
Damn girl, I must be an elephant. Because I'd never forget you.
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