“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
You make me want to Twist and Shout
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
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