I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
I love you berry much.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Go to BabaMail
