“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
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