When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
Leave poetry to the prose.
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
Roses should learn what it means to be perfect from you.
If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Me without you is like a sneaker without laces.
I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
Can I be your next varietal?
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Go to BabaMail
