My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.

I can go 90 minutes without stopping.

Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.

Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.

It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.

Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.

Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.

Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.

You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.

What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.

What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!

Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.

The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."

What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.

In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.

Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times

What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.

Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.

Did you know that chemists do it on the table periodically? Let’s be chemists for a day!

Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.

What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.

Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.

Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?

The Cherokees.

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)

I’m so adjective, I verb noun.

What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!

The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.

Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.

What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator

Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

I thought I saw some fog yesterday.

But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.

Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?

What do you call an old snowman? A creek.

“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”

I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.

What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.

How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.

Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."

Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.