Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
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