“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
Isabella Isabeauty for sure
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
You're the thought that counts!
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
You look like trash, may I take you out?
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
I feel tail great!
"Say you'll be wine."
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
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