"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
I like big punts and I cannot lie
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
Girl you are rocking this run.
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
When God made you, he was just showing off.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
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