A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
Your pace or mine?
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
Hello Boo-tiful.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
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