What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
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