What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
Do you know why you need to get up early? Because you’re the sunshine.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
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