I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
"You deserve better and so do I."
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
You’re more special than relativity.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
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