Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
Money can't buy me love but it can buy you a drink
You’re a perfect ten(t).
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
"Here for the right riesling."
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
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