I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
It’s a beautiful Degas!
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
Your pace or mine?
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
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