I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
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