Knock knock.
Come in.

I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.

I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"

My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.

Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.

A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."

What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.

Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.

“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill

I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben

What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'

There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.

What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!

How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!

Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.

Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.

If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.

What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.

Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!

"Read between the wines."

Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!

What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.

What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.

What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.

“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard

What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!

“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.

A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”

Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.

Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.

My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.

“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”

"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan

"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz

Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.

How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.

Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?

Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.

How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.

I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.

There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.