In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."

The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.

I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.

"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."

Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.

A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”

Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.

What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.

My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju

The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.

Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious

You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.

Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!

What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.

How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.

What did the evaporating raindrop say?

I’m going to pieces.

You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!

What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.

I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.

What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.

What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.

“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”

“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers

If you where a sheep I would clone you.

What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.

What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws

What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!

Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.

Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.

Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times

What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.

Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.

What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.

Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.

What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.

Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.

Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.

Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.

Let’s put our tulips together.

Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.

What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected

"I would hop to the end of the world for you."

My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.