I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
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