I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
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