What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
I was calling the hospital, but it seems they were busy. The picked up the phone and said,
"Urology department, can you hold?"
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
You're one in a melon.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
I Tour de Francy you.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
I don't think there's anything hotter than chocolate but hey! There you are in front of me.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
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