Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
You need to go out on a date with me right now. Alex-plain later
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
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