My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Propranolol is red, digoxin is blue. My heart skips a beat when I see you.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
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