It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
You don't know jack-o-lantern
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
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