How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.

Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.

“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.

Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.

Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.

I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?

Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.

These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'

Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.

- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.

How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.

“I married beneath me, all women do.”

—Nancy Astor

Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious

What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!

“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”

- Jerry Seinfeld.

I'm snow bored.

What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.

Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.

When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.

What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.

What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!

Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.

"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski

What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.

How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.

What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!

How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.

The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.

Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.

Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.

The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.

What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.

What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.

Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.

Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”

An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.

Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.

How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!

It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.