You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
You're my purr-son.
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
Time to spruce things up.
Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
"Bury me next to a straight man."
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
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