Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
You can stand under my umbrella.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Excuse me, would you like a raisin? No? How about a date then?
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
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