"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
How do you know Frankenstein is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
My Cobra pose isn't the only thing that's rising upward.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Go to BabaMail
