“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
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