What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.
Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.
Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
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