A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!

Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!

What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.

What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.

What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!

What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.

Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.

Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”

Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.

Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!

How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.

“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler

What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.

Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.

Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?

“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”

- Franklin P. Jones.

To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.

What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.

I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.

Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!

Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?

Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.

Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.

I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?

Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.

Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer

Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.

What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.

Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.

What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody

What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.

What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.

o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.

Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!

They say everything gets better with age.

Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.

What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.

“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown

“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.

What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes

What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.

I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.

Dublin’ the fun.

What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.