What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
You must be the square root of two because I'm irrational around you.
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
I C Major potential in us getting together.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
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