There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call ‘FINE PRINT’!
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
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