A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Money can't buy me love but it can buy you a drink
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
Are you a computer technician?
Because you turn my hardware into software.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
You set my heart bonfire.
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
I=f(U), I can't function without you.
Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
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