What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
I'd start a revolution for your number.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
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