What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
It’s worth a shot.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
While it’s taking a while for the Corona virus to reach other countries, China got it right off the bat.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
Nice asteroids.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
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