I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
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