Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
I fence-y you.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Can’t pinch this.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
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