"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
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