Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
How hot does your gas oven get?
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
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