Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
"No wine left behind."
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
I scored when I met you.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
Is your name Alice? ‘cause baby I can show you Wonderland.
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
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