Something in the way you move attracts me like no other
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Don't fork-get your manners.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
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