What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
Life is better when we stick together.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
I can turn your software into hardware.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
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