"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
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